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Welcome to my crazyyy life =D
Saturday, 17 October 2009
not that anyone cares
Mood:  down

It would be nice to know that someone cared . That there was someone I could call at 3 in the morning balling my eyes out and they would sit on the phone and try to make me feel better. Someone who would run up and hug me whenever they get the chance to see me. Someone who would listen to me tell my stupid stories that have no point over and over again. Someone who knows what I like to eat, to do, what kind of movies I like to see and how to make me smile. Someone who laughs with me and takes crazy pictures. Someone who tells corny jokes or white lies to make me feel better about myself. Someone to tell me I’m beautiful inside and out. Someone I can talk to when im confused beyond all belief. Someone who can tell when something is wrong. Someone who loves me for me, my impatient-ness, selfishness and insecure-ness in all.  Someone who IMs or calls me and I smile at the fact that they are contacting me.

I kinda just wish I had a friend.


Posted by cutelilblond at 11:53 AM EDT
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Im pissed...
that my dad doesnt realize that i go to school and work and do homework 98% of the  time where other people sit around all day and do nothing. why cant they do a few things around here while i get things done. i cleaned today and had school and tomorrow i have school and grandparents are coming home, i have to get this fricking polisci test done hopefully tonight so i dont have to do it tomorrow while my grandparents are around. im overwhelmed stressed out freaking out pissed off upset confused and worried all rolled up in one and i think im about to explode. i just need a day i need to relax i need to have a few minutes to myself and to not have to deal with the million and one things i have to do. i dont want to go to bio tomorrow cuz im nervous as all hell about getting my grade. i know this is nothing compared to 'real' life in my dads eyes but im going insane! slowy but surely im getting there... i need time to relax. my grandparents, god i love them, but they arent going to help me not go crazy this week. i have enough stress as is on top of that i have  to deal with people being all down and worried and upset and i cant pretend rignt now. i need to just get out for a bit. i need a vacation. i need to not be stressed out. i need to relax. fuck. on top of that i want to finish my dads fathers day gift. its not working how i want it to. and i cant find the song that i want... ahhhhh! just fricking ah. i want out. now. i want to talk to someone, anyone, before i go insane. things shouldnt upset me this easy. maybe i shouldnt hold it in and just go off on someone. and yell and cry and get everything off of my chest. bleh. i need to finish cleaning. ill write later. maybe

Posted by cutelilblond at 5:29 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 16 June 2009 5:37 PM EDT
Friday, 29 May 2009
Normally I..
Mood:  lucky
write in this thing to vent but right now i really dont have much to complain about. im so lucky with everything in my life right now. Im doing well in school (and i found some of my motivation) my families been great and my friends even better. Ive gotten really close with Nikki and i feel as if i can tell her everything. we have so much in common its kinda freaky..haha but shes a great person and i love hanging out with her. i feel as if ive known her forever and really its been a few months. Jon and I have been getting along really well, things are basically back to normal between us and Mike and I have started hanging out again. rachel and i hung out the other night and I had a BLAST. And of course smittys still around, im not sure i could get rid of him if i tried =) and Micahs coming back today or tomorrow for a week =D im so excited to spend time with him. And Nathan, i dont even know where to start. He makes me really happy and i care about him alot. i could be having the worst day and just talking to him makes me feel better. its amazing. hes been in my life for a long time and im happy that hes my boyfriend now. beyond happy..haha i dont even know. im glad that things worked out between us, and its def not going be easy for us but i think we can do it =D my dads been really lenient lately too, its pretty nice =) everythings just kinda going as planned i guess.. ill have my associtate a year from now and by this time hopefully ill be moving up to ypsi and i plan on buying myself a car sometime soon, i finally learned how to drive the stick shift =D
theres sooo many things im looking forward to this summer too. haha idk... im done goign on and on but im happier than i have been in a long time right now=D and im loving it 

Posted by cutelilblond at 12:24 PM EDT
Thursday, 30 April 2009
I bet...

no one reads these anymore.. haha but it makes me feel better.... 

so basically ive been thinking about a bunch of things and theres so many things i want to change in my life.. nothing big though. i want to be more spontanous and do what i want when i want and not worry about what other people are going to think.i want to say what im thinking no matter what.  i want to be sweet and not worry that im going to freak someone out. i want to be more motivated and get things done asap. i want to go out more often. it seems like i rarely do anything because of work and school. im always tired when im done..what happened to my lansing days where i stayed up alllll night and had no problem (ok maybe a small problem) getting up in the morning. but i always did.... i live a crazy hectic busy life and i cannnnot wait til summer to have some relaxing time.. i need it to stop myself from going insane..seriously.lol im having the hardest time concentrating... so im gonna stop writing this and try to get some stuff done before work...


Posted by cutelilblond at 3:19 PM EDT
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
todays been...
five years since my moms passed away...it seems like yesterday. ive been doing everything to avoid thinking about it. all i want to do is cry but i cant make myself cry.. i want to talk to someone anyone but i dont feel like i can talk to anyway.. i dont know.. everything's been rough today, i dont even know how to explain it. i want to talk so bad... i dont know how to talk to people  about something like this..i dont want to make them feel awkward, i dont want them to know im hurting, i dont want them to see me be weak. but i need one person there for me. and right now i know who i want then one person to be... but they dont know it and i dont know how to tell them that. especially since im pretty sure they dont want to be that person. i know i make them feel awkward if i talk about things like that. i just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay..
 
and then it comes at the weirdest time and the people that you wouldnt think to help you.. people you havent talked to  in years make you feel better.. or even people that you never met do miracouls things. amazing things. make you smile without knowing it. make you feel like everything is going to be okay without meaning it. without knowing what they are doing.. without realizing that they are making your day..
 
those are the people you need to keep around.. those are the ones who care... and the ones you should care about =) 

Posted by cutelilblond at 10:44 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 28 April 2009 11:51 PM EDT
Thursday, 16 April 2009
wow so i ...
Mood:  spacey

just typed out a whole entry then accidentally deleted most of it... i suck! lol

but the basic jist of it was that i need to get over things and not care if certian people think im a bitch even though it hurts like hell hearing it from someone you care about.. even if they want nothing to do with you and are really immature.. no matter what im not going to be able to change that but im never goign to be able to stop caring and im sick of people letting other people make up their minds for them. if it makes you happy go for it and any friend is going to want you to be happy. no matter what. and the fact that my profs are evil for giving me three papers to write over break and  i cant concentrate on them attt alll. =( oh and the fact that the weather outside today was amazing =D i went out in a tank top today and didnt freeze and i have tan lines already =) Im sooo excited for it to be warm and being able to spend all day outside.. other than school =) which im taking ten credits..i know im crazyyy =( and ill be crazy busy but hopefully it will be worth it =D but anyway.. this is kinda long (def not my longest) butttt imagine what it was before i accidently erased everything.. overall im thankfully for all the new friends (even if theyre old friends just started talking again) and  am amazed at how much something as simple as you standing up for me will make me appreciate you espeically since we werent really close..

 

okay im done..back to homeworkkk

 

xoxo

 Becky


Posted by cutelilblond at 7:28 PM EDT
Saturday, 28 March 2009
I've been..
Mood:  mischievious
in such an amazing mood lately.. It's great! I'm finally back to the optimistic, loving life person that I used to be. Sure, i still get upset, who doesnt. But seriously, this is such a better way to live life. I like who im becoming, what im doing with life, everything about life. It's great. I used to be like this and something just snapped in me and I became a pessimistic person, maybe people were rubbing off on me but now, i cant believe I everrrr let myself get like that.. ever. Im so glad I'm back to enjoying the little things. Seriously, the sun shining makes my day =) a simple hello and smile from a stranger makes me smile. I have confidence in myself. I know i can reach my dreams, all i have to do is keep trying.. ive stopped looking at the past and letting it get to me.. ive made mistakes..but so has the rest of the world. Im moving on in my life. Ive realized that I can show emotions and people wont think Im weakk.. its still hard sometimes but im getting there.. ive talked to my dad about personal things, that never happens. He knows whats going on in my life basically. Its nice being able to have him as a parent and someone I can confide in. Plus having Helen around makes things easier. I almost consider her my second mother.. of course no one could ever replace my mom. But, Im loving life recently! =) School's been good, tough sometimes but good.. ive been much less of a procrastinator now that im working and going to school.. i get everything done by the time it needs to be done.. not saying i dont wait til last minute, because sometimes it happens.. but it def could be worse.. but I'm done for now! =D 
 
xoxo
 Becky <3 

Posted by cutelilblond at 5:24 PM EDT
Saturday, 31 January 2009
I cant

conentrate at all right now on what i need to get done =/ i have sooo much to do and ive been trying to write this stupid paper all day and i cant even figure out how to start it. its annoying. im trying to get everything done so i dont have anything to do tomorrow. plus i told my dad i was almost done, which i ammm but i cant seem to get anything done today... this stupid history class is annoying. ive had two papers to write and ive only had two classes.. and i cannnnot figure out how to write this damn paper and i dont want to get behind already in all my readings and everything... which is going to happen because i havent read for hummanties or history yet. bleh. im hoping getting everything off my mind this way will let me concentrate.. maybeee.. haha It'd be better if i didnt have to work tonight. didnt have to close tonight. and tomorrows the superbowl so i dont want to be doing homework all the time during that.. i have time, a lot of time, at school to read and catch up but not to print things out and stuff.. so i gotta get this done by monday. sigh. stupid work..lol i probably shouldnt have gone out last night but i needed a sanity break.. all ive really been doing is working. but i feel a little more clearheaded for the moment so im gonna try to write this paper...

wish me luck! 


Posted by cutelilblond at 3:21 PM EST
Friday, 30 January 2009
Sometimes I cant...
sleep. for some reason. theres just too much going on my head. too many emotions. too much at one time. my brain goes on overdrive and its trying to figure everything out NOW. theres no time to sleep. not time to rest. no time to relax. i need a vacation..haha. even though i cant sleep recently..ive been extremely happy. for the most part. everythings been pretty amazing. of coures im not alwayyyss happy... but things are better than they have been in a longgg longgg time. And i loveee it! works not too bad, school sucks but what else is new. i swear my history teacher is out to kill us. two papers already and theres only been two classes. dang. but i love it. i love being busy. i love the rush and the need to get things done. it motivatges me.. like nothing else ever could. sure it sucks working all the time. but its not really like i have anything better to do. yah i go out occasionally. ect. but yah, lifes been pretttyyy good. sometimes i just need to sleeeeppppp... haha. the nights i dont sleep are the ones where i think, the ones where i overthink i should say. there are some things i need to do and just get over it, other things i just flat out need to get over. But im back to the little things making me happy. and its amazing! it really is. i wish everyone was like this.. recently the ups defff outweigh the downs. Cool
 
well im done for now.. im happy that this is mostly a happy post! Lifes good!=D 

Posted by cutelilblond at 1:14 AM EST
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
Right now..
My life sucks. It really does. I have nothing going for me right now. I basically dropped out of State. My grades were awful. I bacially am a failure at life. I cant do anything right. I have no one to talk to. Brandon Ray is a complete ass that I never want to talk to again. Ive been talking to my ex brandon a lot and thats messing up my feelings a lot. I dont have a right to be jealous when he hangs out with girls. I dont have a right to be jelaous when he hangs out with other people period. I cant keep going on pretending everythigns okay. I cant do this. Living back at home is goign to be insanely hard. I want a job where i can work 40 hours a week on top of goign to school. I dont ever want to be doing nothing. Doing nothing leads to thinking and thinking leads to me being blahhh.  I want to be happy. I want to have someone who cares about me and loves me and i dont know. I want a relationship with my dad. I want to be able to talk to him, I want him to trust me. i want him to listen to me. i want him to actually be a father to me.. not just the person I have to listen too. Him and my brother are so much clsoer and Im jealous of that. Im sick of being a jealous person. I want my dad to approve to be proud of me to help me to tell me everythings goign to be okay that im a good person that i can do it. i want to not be afraid of him. thats the main thing. i dont want to be doing anything. I want to sleep. i want to lay around or go out and get compeletely wasted. i want to not feel for a bit. i want to relax. i want a life. i want so many things but i dont know how to acheive them. theres nothing right now that takes my mind off of my failure. my failure to stay in a relationship, my failure to get over brandon, my failure to live life. thats the one that sucks most of all. at least in lansing i was living. i need people to realize that im only human. that i need to cry. that i need someone to care. taht i know how to put on a facade but that doesnt mean everything is alright. that i need someone. all i need is one person. that truely 100% cares about me. i dont even know. someone fix me. please. i cant be like this. this isnt even helping me. so many things have changed. ive changed. i cant do this. i dont want to do this. i need someone. i want my dad to be my dad. i want a guy who wants to be with me, not just sleep with me. i want someone to think that im not a failure. i want to get over my past. i want to not want so much attention. i want to go out on a first date and get butterflies and have fun and be so excited just because he smiled at me. god, im stuck in high school. im almost 20. i need to live life. my dad needs to let me. i need to tell him how i feel. i need to tell him that i want him to be my dad. i want him to tell me loves me and for me to actually feel like he does. not that he's disapointed. okay usually this makes me feel better. its not at all. i need to let off steam. i need to fight. i want to fight with someone. not physically of course. just full out.. i dont know. i need to do something. i need to get rid of this stress. somehow. someway. i dont know. crying doesnt work. i think ive cried enough these past few days more than i have in the past four years. i dont want to leave my sorority. i love that more than most things. being with girls that actually seem to care about me is amazing. i dont know.. i need to find someone to talk to other than myself. but im done. im going to go be productive. 

Posted by cutelilblond at 2:17 PM EST

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